Kitambi Mitigation *Sigh*

Kitambi is the Sheng word for a pot belly. It must be one of the most dreaded features in our masculine world. In my book, unless for paged mamas, a protruding gut, is an eye sore. Not all are of the same opinion though; back in the village it's a clear-cut sign of affluence. That probably explains why vernacular comedians, the likes of Machang'i and company accentuate their vitambi by stuffing shirts and jackets to characterize udosi. This theory could be true though, how else do you explain the sudden protrusion of the gut when folks land their first jobos? Why is the paunch absent during our schooling days only to show up suddenly when we land our first pay slip? I ain't superstitious but the African in me needs answers.. could it be a curse?

One Mr Kibanya, my biology teacher - whom we all revered and thought he had no business lecturing a secondary school but should have easily made a good surgeon, had a simple explanation for kitambi, and I quote him verbatim: "Look here boys, a pot belly is caused by excessive fat getting stored on the intestines and general gut area, especially in men. In women, excessive fat is channeled directly to their nether regions.." My favourite part was: "Boys, remember, the key physical difference between inhabitants of the tropics (read Africans) compared to other regions like Europe is clearly evident. Excessive fat in the tropics is conveniently positioned in the posterior regions whereas in Europe and regions that experience winter it's positioned as insulating layer beneath the skin." I almost bought his theory until later on in life I interacted more with Indians. Hata wahindi wamezaliwa Kenya hawana haga.. Tehehee!! (pun intended).

Unlike a couple of my former schoolmates who "landed into cash" immediately after college, my kitambi has taken it's sweet time to show up/down. Unfortunately, it's now here with me - and I'm yet to land some good cash. Beloved friends, a kitambi is known to appear unceremoniously; no grand unveiling nor cutting of ribbons to officially launch it. All it takes is munching fries and chicken here, a chocolate bar there, beer and nyamchom here, supu na mutura there, name them.. err-mm and I dare say gluttony.. Kujibonda excess!! Sio siri!! I'm yet to fully understand and reconcile with my kitambi's origin as I rarely indulge in the aforementioned activities. My only comfort is that my paunch is relatively smaller in comparison to some homo sapiens I encounter daily and more so, ladies are catching up very quickly. Whatever happened to Mr Kibanya's theory?

As learned as I am, notice I have blatantly ignored scientific explanations of kitambi resulting from Sugary and starch-rich foods. Bollocks!! kwani our forefathers never ingested such. Genetics blah blah.. Wait a minute, you ain't fooling me; No one ever got a kitambi as a result of genetics. Nimekataa.. huwezi niskiza mimi!! My Kitambi mitigation progress is as follows: I have finally acquired jogging shoes and I plan to buy a pair of 'jogging shorts' probably in December or January 2014 so I can start jogging around my hood. I'm "digital" too; I have been sampling a few youtube videos that promise to get me a six pack within no time thanks to some planks that I have found to be more theoretical than practical. I hear washing down junk food with a diet coke has worked for some people, gonna give it a shot too. In the meantime, I'll stick to my routine 5 minutes aerobics cum zumba sessions plus the habitual 15 push ups that have only succeeded to "kulainisha mabiceps" Masgwembe-style and the remaining 10% to kitambi mitigation. Please don't sell me those one-week detox soups and fruits.. Sitaki mimi!!

Sadly folks, kitambi aquisition is always downhill, mitgation and the ultimate goal of shedding it off remain an up hill task and a mirage to many of us. You just can't win... Arrrrggghhh!!!