Lest you associate me with the brand of people who unnecessarily prolong a simple food prayer by first praying for travellers' journey mercies, the local chief, the sick etc... I swiftly digress. Ahem! Y'all have heard enough accounts of first timers in Nairobi. Back in primary school, we used to study a subject called GHC - Geography History and Civics. It's in the Civics section I believe that we used to study the effects and motivations of Rural to Urban migration. Bam!! Before you say "GHC", I found myself in the urban set up called Nairobi. Call me mshamba, but previously, I had brief encounters with the city, including when I took my first breath three decades ago in the then leafy suburb of Pumwani which I understand has since degraded into a "leaf-eating" suburb. My most memorable trip of all to the city was back in 1992 to attend my elder bro's graduation ceremony - I stood all the way in a face-me school van to ensure nothing passed my "rural eyes". Well, it's almost 15yrs since I've been a resident of Nairobi and my rural eyes are still not fully acquainted with urbanity.
Any villager who ventured into Nairobi before the advent of google maps and other navigation apps will tell you that KICC building was the reference point for directions; a true north of sorts. While growing up in the village, it took an approximate balance of 5ksh in the pocket to make my Sunday. We walked to the nearby Runyenjes town to do what my mum calls "gutira duka" (meaning to prop up the shops literally ...yaani idling). The 5 bob could buy mandazis to eat as we watched reckless miraa pickup drivers speed past speed bumps with impunity. While still very fresh in Nairobi, I decided to take a bus to town one Sunday afternoon. Just like any other newbie in town, Uhuru Park was my first stop. I then took a stroll in town applying the "look right, look left and look right again" rule while crossing the roads - even on one-way streets.. sigh!! I got too engrossed with the buildings, cars and fast-walking pedestrians that before long it was 5:30pm, time to go home. Could the villager remember what stage he alighted from? ...NOPE! Could the villager consult anyone where the Embakasi stage was? ...NOPE! everyone was a suspect :) Could the villager still remember the route number for the bus home? ...NOPE! Did the perplexed villager have a mobile phone? ...Nope! What to do?? ...guess my way around while occasionally stopping to refer to my "True North".
Wacha nizunguke tao kama wazimu!! I spent the next one and a half hours lost in the concrete jungle, alleys and downtown streets of Nairobi. KICC was disappearing and re-appearing as I crossed the streets. I can now vividly remember having gone as far as University way, Globe cinema roundabout, Race course road, Nyamakima and even at some point almost crossed the Nairobi river at Grogan.. All this time I was on the constant lookout for the magic word: "Embakasi" on matatus and buses that drove by. In such situations, time really flies. I was looking at everyone with increased suspicion; never mind that I barely had anything worth stealing. I must have been walking along banda street and on getting to the point it branches to Muindi Bingu street I saw a bus number 34 ..Embakasi!!! That was the closest I've encountered a real miracle; forget Kanyari and his now famed Potassium Permanganate. My village skills of sprinting after Pickup trucks and lorries and jumping aboard paid off that day. Thank heavens the stagecoaches' had two doors... out of breath I managed to hang on to the second door at the back of the bus, Phewks!!! Few months after, I could navigate my way in town with eyes closed. Little did I know that I had barely graduated from "Nairobi's pre-unit" class.
Ever been conned in Nairobi? I believe everyone has; few admit though. My first mobile phone was a Siemens A35. Back in the day, the gadget oozed class. Need I say I was within the first million subscribers to get a Safaricom line.. the real 0722. You know whaaarrrrrraammsayying?? When the cheapest airtime voucher was worth Ksh250 and mobile data network was non-existent locally. Siemens A35 preceded polyphonic tunes, it had ringtones akin to those produced by musical success cards. Other outrageous features included the SMS app which had messages scrolling from left to the right when the user is reading.. na pace yake tuuu!! The memory capacity could only handle 10 messages. The above notwithstanding, a phone call back in the day was a celebrated event, especially if it was in a public place. Let me make you understand: I am sitting at the University of Nairobi's JKML library sometime in 2001/2002 when my phone rings prompting the attention of fellow students in that section. Just like some present weird Kenyans with irritating personalized skiza tunes and ringtones do, I let my gadget ring for a couple of seconds as the students' gaze with admiration. Then I stand and walk off with an extra springy effect by letting my heels linger a few more milliseconds in the air. After the call, adjacent students suddenly acquire instant respect and looks that appear to say: "you are my role model". In that era, one could just exchange numbers with strangers just to make a few more phone book entries and shorten the time in between calls - One could last a full week without a phone call. I'm done bragging :-)
Within no time, polyphonic tunes' phones were the trendy gadgets in town and my Siemens was up for sale. One evening an acquaintance of mine by the name Erico claimed to have a ready buyer and in seconds we were walking towards the buyer's direction. In the meantime, Erico asked for the phone so he could familiarize himself with the features. On nearing some stage along Outering road, he directed that I wait as he fetched the buyer. Big mistake!! Ten minutes later I realized he had boarded a matatu for Umoja estate. Guy was a cheap thief and a con. You see, 99% of men have no idea where their friends reside; Sadly, I am no exception. After mourning for days I acquired a Nokia 3310 which was considered a smart phone then. You won't believe it, after a couple of months I was conned off the 3310 by smart cons with a believable Meru accent and dusty clothes to boot. Chaps had allegedly won Ksh250,000 in the Kenya Charity Sweepstake draw and decided that I was the most honest and smart guy along Tom Mboya street that morning to assist them redeem their ticket for money. My 3310 remained with them as I took to the stairs of Kenya Charity Sweepstake house two at a time in a rush to get the cash and subsequent commission. Few minutes later I went down the flight of stairs four at a time out to teach the Meru cons a lesson... wapi!! They had vanished in thin air. To date, given a chance I'd still nominate them for an Oscar. Err-mm come to think of it, were the cons so smart or was I too dumb and outright gullible? well, that's debatable.
I was too ashamed to admit my gullibility and lied that the phone was snatched from me along Parliament road which in my book is one of the safest streets in town. Ever told a lie so many times that you convinced yourself it was the gospel truth? Getting conned twice in a year was enough schooling for in the ways of the city. I am the few guys who sympathised with Pastor Kanyari's victims the other day when #JichoPevu exposed his con ways because I too have had my fair doses of Potassium Permanganate from people driven by personal and collective "targets" respectively. I am wiser now. My brief stint at Safaricom's customer service centre exposed me to a thousand and one ways that Kenyans get conned every day. Former schoolmates and college-mates, please take this as a disclaimer: next time you bump into me in the streets of Nairobi and happily go out of your way to high five or hug me... don't be surprised by either a fleeing brother or a stone-faced snob walking on unfazed. Especially those of you who have since reared Osama-like beards, accumulated weight in triple digits or developed humongous pot bellies to unrecognisable dimensions. Sorry guys, gotta cut me some slack :-)
Nice one boss.
ReplyDeleteThanks bro
DeleteLol. Hi mbona hukunipa alert?
ReplyDeleteLol. Hi mbona hukunipa alert?
ReplyDeleteHehe! Yaani you hadn't read this all along?
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